A response to this
Dear Hayden,
I love you so much. I am currently under a new birth control so my hormones are really out of whack and I may start to sob while writing this... I also just finished watching SYTYCD and that always makes me cry (with or without raging hormones). So... please bare with me. First off, thank you for being honest with me. I know school is hard as hell and you are busting your ass off. I am so proud of you Hayden. I remember freshman Hayden. Do you remember him? He had bleached-blond hair and wore his "signature" DIY-peace sign key-chain necklace. He never did his Biology homework. He also was afraid to come out of his shell (both literally and figuratively). Now, all I can do is laugh! Freshman Hayden is long gone and College Hayden is kicking some serious ass! Hearing about your life has made me giddy, excited, pissed, and has made me wish that I was a better fucking friend. I have been struggling with my friendships here in NC, because I have been gone for a long time. I am realizing that 's no excuse. Just so you know, I will always be here for you.
Please don't ever apologize for being a human being. Human beings screw up, become distant, want to scream, want things they can't have, fail to realize what they do have, and lose sight of who they are. Don't worry about missing my birthday, don't worry about the Skype dates, just don't worry. We will get to together, and when we do we WILL pick up where we left off. To be honest, we have a type of friendship that can survive without having to constantly text each other, "like" each other's Facebook posts, and Skype every other day. We have a true friendship.
To answer the third part of your letter: I am not doing as well as I hoped. I had a great first semester (the first couple of weeks were very rough, but I got through them). Leaving home was one of the best decisions, because I learned how to deal with my own problems without assistance from anyone, but I still missed having a strong support system. I have some friends and slowly some of them are becoming close friends, but that doesn't happen overnight and it requires work. I have a hard time realizing that, but I am learning. College is about learning. So, my first semester was great, because I was very busy with finding my way in the Drama Department and socializing like crazy! My second semester was not. I got a job, while the majority of my friends were rushing for sororities. I wasn't eating with many people, talking to many people, talking with my roommate and I was overall very unhappy with myself. I was having panic attacks, which were affecting me physically and mentally. My anxiety (which I have had since a little girl) was worsening and I had no one. I was talking to my mom constantly, my dad, Skyping my brother, and realizing that I needed to find a support system. I needed help. I went to a therapist and she was great. She told me I needed friends to talk to. My mom agreed. I have always had a really hard time opening up to people, fearing judgement and ridicule. I blame Weaver for that and the fact that I am--and I quote-- "afraid of my own shadow". Luckily, one of my really good friends on my floor noticed that I wasn't the same "Ashley". She took me to dinner and I told her my issues and how I was feeling. I found out she was going through the same thing. Believe it or not, she told me that I could talk to her about anything. I was relieved, but really mad at myself...I really needed to start to open my eyes. I thought I had no one, but that was far from not true. So, I don't want to continue, because I want to try and focus on some more positive elements of my life.
So, on a positive note, I have finally decided what I want to do with my life. I really want to write and produce for TV/film. Everyone has been telling me that I have a real knack for writing. I just didn't realize it until college. I love to write, specifically comedy. So, this summer I have been watching every single comedic TV show, film, and book I lay my eyes on. I also have been trying to write in a journal, as well construct some monologues and scenes. I am hoping to intern for Second City, FOX, or NBC next summer. Dreaming big! ;) I'd love for you to read some of my stuff, because you won't tell me its good, unless it's good. One of the many reasons why I enjoy our friendship and why I've always liked your input. Anyway, I am trying to focus on what makes me happy, but I am also using my unhappiness as an aid to writing. All of the great writers, write from experience, right? Oh, and Deacon is doing really well. He is getting old, but he is still as playful and loving as ever! I am spending the majority of my summer nannying my sister, Anna. I am really happy that I can spend time with her, because she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She is so happy, sassy, funny, and we are going to have a great time!
Now for your positives, mister! WOW! I cannot believe how much growth you have experienced this year. I am happy college is working in your favor, because you deserve it. You have always been smart, capable, and willing. I sound like such a mother, but it's true! Oh and your GPA is higher than mine, so feel free to rub that in as much as you want! ;) Not kidding! I am happy that you have a strong support system close by. Taylor is a "once-in-a-lifetime" friend and I am so happy she's been there. Please call me. I really would like to see you soon. I need a good cry session with you, my friend. We can cry, eat food, laugh, talk, and most importantly listen to each other vent about our lives.
Thank you for being such a beautiful human being. I love you. I miss you.
Your friend,
Ashley
