Dear Hayden,
I am glad I finally Facebooked you. I needed to hear about what was really going on with you...
When I am bored (which is often), I spend a lot of my time on the internet. I would say that 75% of my time is spent on Tumblr. One afternoon I was scrolling away and I came across this quote: "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."
You are probably wondering "Okay, Ashley. But how is this relevant..." I'm getting there, I promise!
In order to really get there I have to start by responding to what you said... I don't know why I like to do this, but I guess it's just the mom in me? Here it goes:
Why would you call all of the accolades you listed meaningless? They aren't. You worked hard to be inducted into the presidential honors society. You probably had to jump through hurdles to get that RA position. Embrace that! Also, is AX a frat? I understand you discontinued your membership, but doesn't mean you need to discontinue it on you resume. Also, it's never too late to get back into the groove of things... At least that's what I am learning.
That summer that you described sounded MISERABLE. The director/general manager died. That's so fucking scary. I hope it made some of the people that were assholes to you realize that life is way to short to be an asshole.
Unfortunately, depression doesn't go away! You have to learn to cope with it. The only person that can really help you is yourself. It's scary to realize this and a lot of people--especially fucking theatre people--could care less.
I'm happy you were able to spend some time with your Dad! It's honestly really ballsy of you to demand a return ticket back. Are you entitled to it? Of course... After all, he promised to give you that! Bertie sounds like a character. If she was able to lift your spirits, you should consider contacting her more often!
It's great that you are realizing that the only person that can really make you happy is yourself. After you hit "rock bottom" the only way out is up. It sounds cheesy, but it's the truth!
Also, in regards to your school. You live in a bubble. Once, you have graduated you have the ability to pop that bubble or maintain it. It sounds like you wanna pop it. I don't blame you. Also, who wants to peak in college? I heard that 30 is the new 20 anyways.
Where is this photography? I'd like to see it...
Now, begins my portion of the letter. The part where I catch you up on all things "Ashley".
The last time I wrote to you I was going through a really rough time... I wish I could say it got better, but it didn't. That summer I nannied my sister, Anna. That was a blast! I was able to take her to free movies at The Grande and finger paint the day away... The problem was I grew very close with her. Summer ended and my parents drove me back to school. I was moving back a week early, because I had work orientation. I didn't know my roommate (my roommate originally decided that she wanted to apply to be an RA and ended up getting the position so I had to find a fast replacement...). I was really unsure about the whole year in general.
As soon as my parents dropped me off I panicked. I felt so so sad and lonely. I was obsessing over suicide and thinking really unhappy thoughts. Was I planning on acting upon these thoughts? Of course not. But, I was just obsessing and panicking. I was really lonely. I finally decided that I needed to talk to someone. Syracuse has an awesome counseling center, with awesome therapists that are on call 24/7. I called. They asked me to come right to them! That's when I met Susan. She was honest with me. She told me that I needed to help myself and talk about how I was feeling. Long story short, I started taking the generic version of Prozac. I am still taking it now! It helps with my anxiety and my depression.
I realized that I wasn't alone in this. I just needed to find the right people to share my struggles with. I had issues finding my core group of friends freshman year. I realized that sophomore year would be my time to find my friends. My real friends. Not friends that you occasionally eat dinner with or chat with in the hallways. Friends that will help you pack. Friends that will drive you to the airport at 5 am. Friends that will kidnap you on your birthday and watch "Emperors New Groove" on their dorm room bed. It didn't happen right away. It took the first semester and then I finally was starting to find people that I could be myself around.
I don't want to continue talking about sophomore year, because it was really rough. But, it was also an excellent time for me to learn! I learned so much about myself and the type of person I am. I also was much kinder to myself and others. I became a better listener. I was starting to really get "it".
So I got really really sad writing up to this point.. I don't really know why to be honest. I think it largely has do to with the fact that I am "dwelling" on the past. I was in a slump for quite a long time (not to the same extent as yours), but I couldn't really get out of that slump and to be honest I still don't know if I am out of it... But, let's fast forward to the summer of my sophomore year...
My summer of sophomore year was pretty uneventful. I applied for a study abroad program for the fall of my junior year so I spent most of my summer working two jobs and day-dreaming. We'll get to the abroad shenanigans in a few. My first job was working as a hostess/busser for Green Valley Grill. I worked harder than most of the other dumb biddies who called themselves "hostesses" and gained the respect of a lot of the waiters. Believe it or not waiters play favorites. I loved the attention, but I hated the fact that they didn't give me enough mother flipping hours. I worked hard, but the thing that I learned was that corporations would rather hire tons and tons of staff so they don't have to pay them that much. I got a second job working as a catering labor at the PGA tour. It was a weeks worth of labor and I received more in that weeks worth than I did working for GVG in a month. Corporations are the devil, Hayden. As the summer was coming to an end, I was gearing up to travel to London for four months of study. My parents were totally against the idea. I have come to realize, with age, that when my parents are totally against something they don't support me. At all. They would much rather me do what they want me to do. It sucks. Not that I should be throwing myself a pity party, but my parents have always "seemed" like they were on my side, but the farther I get from them, the more I realize they want to control me. They want me to do what they think is right. I think the scariest part of all of this is they deny it. They deny it...
So, September rolled on and I raised a substantial amount of money. The rule was my parents paid for my schooling. I paid for everything else. London was so fantastic, but also outrageously expensive. I was very frugal with my spending. I spent around 20 pounds a week on everything. That's around 35 US dollars. I took a really awesome photography class that made me look at everything a lot differently. I was far more observant then ever. I took a lot of walks. I spent a lot of time with my camera. I also spent a lot of time exploring the city of London. I took part in "Cookery Club", hosted by my photography teacher. I learned how to make a mean curry. Once fall break rolled around I was able to go to Paris and Ireland and pay for everything by myself. It was really liberating to pay for a trip by myself. I ran into some speed bumpers here and there, but isn't that what life is about? Exploring the world was a really great experience. I was completely independent. I learned how to fend for myself and I even learned how to handle situations that I probably could have never tackled three years ago. For instance, for Thanksgiving I visited my cousin, Tracey, in France (my dad paid for the trip, because he wanted me to be with family). On the second day I was in France I decided to take a trip to Versailles. I had no idea what I was doing and I accidentally took the wrong train. I spent about four hours trying to get to Versailles and after having a nervous breakdown in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, I realized I needed to grow the fuck up and figure it out. I managed to find my way... I spent the whole day in Versailles, alone. It was wonderful. I listened to my iPhone and explored the gardens. I ran into a lovely gay couple and showed them where to go. I met a cat. It was a wonderful day. Better yet, it was probably my favorite day while broad. So, that's what I mean. I learned how to be alone.
Oh... I also had a lot of fun gaining weight from all the food I ate! I am being serious. I loved every minute of it. Come to think of it, I loved every minute of everything about being abroad. Despite how expensive it was, I managed. I managed without a job. I managed without my mom. I crushed it. One day, I hope to move back to England. It's a lovely place to raise kids... But for now I am going to focus on finishing this blog post.
It was absolutely miserable returning to Syracuse after being abroad. Not only was the weather HORRIBLE, but I was very broke. I also decided to take some time off from working and try to assistant direct the spring musical, Avenue Q. I decided all of this before I returned from being abroad. It was a really silly idea on my part. For starters, I knew/know nothing about directing. Sorry, Taylor, but your directing class was bullshit. Also, the director ended up being pretty much an asshole to me. I shared the assistant director position with a pretty awesome guy, Liam. He was very eager and very very good at playing the role of director. Better yet, he was better than the actual director. I learned more from Liam then I did from anyone else. I don't regret working on the show. I learned a new skill: puppetry. I also learned what not to do when you are directing. But, I could have been spending my time working. I could have been spending my time losing weight... Instead I was sitting and observing and drinking too much Pepsi. Besides my assistant director role, I also worked in my first "real" internship. I worked in the marketing office at Syracuse Stage (the professional theatre that shares it's complex with SU Drama). I started a YouTube page for SU Drama. With that came a lot of sleepless nights, sweat, and countless tears. I wasn't alone though. I got help from one of my friends I met abroad. She's the coolest. She managed to make all of the videos with me. She dealt with a lot of the bullshit with me. We helped one another. I realized what it was like to be an actual good friend. She went through a really rough semester, but I helped her through it. Same with some of my other friends. Anyway, she graduated and is now living in New York working for Business Insider. She claims that I was the one her helped her get the job, because she's now working in the video department, creating content for their website. Sigh. I guess I may have helped... a little.
Now you are probably wondering what I am up to? Well, I'll tell you. I am currently sitting in a Barnes and Nobles Starbucks in Stamford, CT. I am living with my grandmother. She's kind of a rockstar. She's 76 and still working a 9-5 job. Anyway, when I am not basking in my grandmother's awesomeness I am commuting into the city three days a week, interning for a kick ass talent management agency. When I am not busy reading scripts, running to get coffee, and answering phones, I am working two jobs. The first job is working at a snack bar and the second job is working as a polisher at a fine ass restaurant. I polished David Letterman's glasses last week. Of course, I didn't get to meet him, but I really feel like I have a nice conversation starter once we cross paths one day. There's the day dreaming again...
My internship is really awesome! I am learning about the do's and don'ts of the industry. I have a notebook that I bring each day I am at the office and I fill it with everything I observe or hear in the office. You'd be so appalled to know how some actors and agents act. Oh, I almost forgot! I think I want to be a talent manager. Incase you didn't know, a manager is in charge of fostering an actor's career. They are almost like their mom--expect they get a cut of your pay. I have always been a cheerleader for my actor friends and I think it's a pretty cool career path. So that's where I am at right now.
I am learning to be independent, learning everything that I need to know about the industry, and I am walking everywhere!
So, that's all for now... Before I go though, I want to say that not everything you see on Instagram or Facebook is an accurate portrayal of what's going on in my life. Am I happy? Not sure. But, I do know that I am struggling. I am struggling AND I'm insecure. I am struggling with learning how to budget, and most of all, I am struggling on how to grow up. But, that's the cool thing about adulthood. You have to experience the struggles and the failures in order to appreciate the successes and grand opportunities. My dad says I need to stop living in a fantasy world, but the truth is I don't. I am going to continue to living in this "fantasy" world, but along the way I am going to fuck up. Is it going to be bad? I don't know. But, I hope I can take you on this wonderful journey with me... Because, it's time we get rid of the silly taboos of not talking about how we are REALLY feeling. It's time was show people that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows with Instagram filters.
I really think we are onto something here. Put THAT in my highlighted reel.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Lazy Tuesday
Lazy Tuesday is a "thing", right? Because, I am feeling lazy and it's Tuesday. #LazyTuesday. Oh, well now it's a hashtag...I am currently enjoying my lazy Tuesday and some downtime as my sister takes her nap. Downtime translates to Facebook stalking people I've met maybe twice and then somehow ending up on Gwyneth Paltrow's Wikipedia page. I remember in 9th grade, when my English teacher told me NOT to use Wikipedia as a valid source. I remember thinking I am not dumb enough to use Wikipedia as a valid written source, okay? But, I will continue to use Wikipedia for looking up "The Office" episodes that Mindy Kaling has written and why her in BJ Novak broke up, because if that's wrong then I don't know what's right. So, as I was saying, my sister is napping, and I am trying to enjoy this much needed downtime. I started nannying her yesterday and it has been great, but she really knows how to wear a girl out! Three year olds mean business. So, I thought I'd make a list of "things" that really sum up my current state at the moment.
1. Sleep: Will someone please tell me how to sleep normal? I have only slept in until 10:30am once this summer. ONCE. What is wrong with me? My mom says, "Welp, you are getting older..." But like, I like my youth? And how can 19 even be considered "old". Isn't 30 the new 20? Or is that just not true? I honestly don't even know where I heard that from, but that's beside the point. The point is, I can fall asleep fine--I play a couple rounds of "Candy Crush" and I am out. Just like that. But, it's the fact that I am up at 6 am, wide-eyed and ready to take on the day..But that eagerness only lasts for about an hour and then I run to Starbucks. Actually, I drive, but running just sounds so much cooler, ya know? So, essentially the problem is, I run on little to no sleep. And there aren't enough K-Cups and Chai Teas in the world to really CURE this girl. Is there any way that I can trick my body into not waking up at god-forsaken 6 am on a Wednesday? I really don't want to have to watch Fresh Prince re-runs on TBS, or god-forbid, Saved By the Bell, because, that just isn't fair, right?
2. Chobani Yogurt: My mom told me that I would hate greek yogurt, so like a fool, I listened. Then I decided one day to "rebel" and pick up some from the grocery store near my house. This was last week. Since then I have traveled back to the grocery store and bought every single greek yogurt that has the words "with chocolate" and "Chobani" plastered all over. So far, I am in love with all things Chobani. They seriously know what's up. I am just really mad at myself for waiting this long to try greek yogurt. I like Gyros, I like hummus, I like pita bread, I like froyo, so it shouldn't have come to any surprise that I would love greek yogurt. Chobani: 1 Mom: 0.
4. Cake Boss: The Cake Boss has always been my all-time favorite reality TV show that I actually like. SYTYCD is a close second. What makes the Cake Boss so great is that it centers around an Italian family. Who doesn't love Italian families that speak their minds, and fight about who's cooking dinner?! And in Buddy's case it makes for good TV. Also, cake is something that is very important to me. I am dead serious. If you invite me to your birthday, wedding, or Barmitzvah, you sure as hell better make sure your cake is good. The Cake Boss is just great, because It has family fights, obnoxious New Yorkers that I don't have to physically deal with, and above all things, it has CAKE. Lots of cake. The only problem is, I always want cake when I watch the show. But, then I think about diabetes, and the Raspberry-Chocolate Chobani yogurt I have waiting for me in the fridge. Problem, solved.
5. Nannying: Maybe it's a southern thing? Maybe it's the best thing ever!? If you were brave enough to ask me what I was "doing" this summer, I'd respond with a casual, "I am taking a break and nannying my sister." You'd either hate me for this answer or you'd feel bad for me. Honestly, I would hate me. Because, nannying my sister has got to be one of the best jobs. I can wear leggings, eat yummy food, take a nap, and watch Disney movies without OPEN judgement from my Twitter followers. SO hah. But, seriously wearing comfy clothes is a major major plus-side. Now I see why all the other girls in my neighborhood wear Norts and Jack Rogers. Actually, no. I don't see why they do that. But, anyway, I think being paid to play with a three-year old is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. Thank god I love kids.*
*I may have spoke too soon, because as I was saving this post to my drafts my sister awoke with a lovely present. She decided to shit in her pants. It's all good though, because moments like these remind me that nobody is perfect and that if I can handle a kids dirty diaper, I can handle anything. SERIOUSLY. Oh and I plan on keeping this post so many years from now I can explain to my sister that everybody makes mistakes AND everybody, and I mean everybody has shit their pants. Sometimes the internet has perks, small, devious, perks. She loves me now and she's going to love me even more in the future. Hah.
1. Sleep: Will someone please tell me how to sleep normal? I have only slept in until 10:30am once this summer. ONCE. What is wrong with me? My mom says, "Welp, you are getting older..." But like, I like my youth? And how can 19 even be considered "old". Isn't 30 the new 20? Or is that just not true? I honestly don't even know where I heard that from, but that's beside the point. The point is, I can fall asleep fine--I play a couple rounds of "Candy Crush" and I am out. Just like that. But, it's the fact that I am up at 6 am, wide-eyed and ready to take on the day..But that eagerness only lasts for about an hour and then I run to Starbucks. Actually, I drive, but running just sounds so much cooler, ya know? So, essentially the problem is, I run on little to no sleep. And there aren't enough K-Cups and Chai Teas in the world to really CURE this girl. Is there any way that I can trick my body into not waking up at god-forsaken 6 am on a Wednesday? I really don't want to have to watch Fresh Prince re-runs on TBS, or god-forbid, Saved By the Bell, because, that just isn't fair, right?
2. Chobani Yogurt: My mom told me that I would hate greek yogurt, so like a fool, I listened. Then I decided one day to "rebel" and pick up some from the grocery store near my house. This was last week. Since then I have traveled back to the grocery store and bought every single greek yogurt that has the words "with chocolate" and "Chobani" plastered all over. So far, I am in love with all things Chobani. They seriously know what's up. I am just really mad at myself for waiting this long to try greek yogurt. I like Gyros, I like hummus, I like pita bread, I like froyo, so it shouldn't have come to any surprise that I would love greek yogurt. Chobani: 1 Mom: 0.
4. Cake Boss: The Cake Boss has always been my all-time favorite reality TV show that I actually like. SYTYCD is a close second. What makes the Cake Boss so great is that it centers around an Italian family. Who doesn't love Italian families that speak their minds, and fight about who's cooking dinner?! And in Buddy's case it makes for good TV. Also, cake is something that is very important to me. I am dead serious. If you invite me to your birthday, wedding, or Barmitzvah, you sure as hell better make sure your cake is good. The Cake Boss is just great, because It has family fights, obnoxious New Yorkers that I don't have to physically deal with, and above all things, it has CAKE. Lots of cake. The only problem is, I always want cake when I watch the show. But, then I think about diabetes, and the Raspberry-Chocolate Chobani yogurt I have waiting for me in the fridge. Problem, solved.
5. Nannying: Maybe it's a southern thing? Maybe it's the best thing ever!? If you were brave enough to ask me what I was "doing" this summer, I'd respond with a casual, "I am taking a break and nannying my sister." You'd either hate me for this answer or you'd feel bad for me. Honestly, I would hate me. Because, nannying my sister has got to be one of the best jobs. I can wear leggings, eat yummy food, take a nap, and watch Disney movies without OPEN judgement from my Twitter followers. SO hah. But, seriously wearing comfy clothes is a major major plus-side. Now I see why all the other girls in my neighborhood wear Norts and Jack Rogers. Actually, no. I don't see why they do that. But, anyway, I think being paid to play with a three-year old is one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. Thank god I love kids.*
*I may have spoke too soon, because as I was saving this post to my drafts my sister awoke with a lovely present. She decided to shit in her pants. It's all good though, because moments like these remind me that nobody is perfect and that if I can handle a kids dirty diaper, I can handle anything. SERIOUSLY. Oh and I plan on keeping this post so many years from now I can explain to my sister that everybody makes mistakes AND everybody, and I mean everybody has shit their pants. Sometimes the internet has perks, small, devious, perks. She loves me now and she's going to love me even more in the future. Hah.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Dear Hayden
A response to this
Dear Hayden,
I love you so much. I am currently under a new birth control so my hormones are really out of whack and I may start to sob while writing this... I also just finished watching SYTYCD and that always makes me cry (with or without raging hormones). So... please bare with me. First off, thank you for being honest with me. I know school is hard as hell and you are busting your ass off. I am so proud of you Hayden. I remember freshman Hayden. Do you remember him? He had bleached-blond hair and wore his "signature" DIY-peace sign key-chain necklace. He never did his Biology homework. He also was afraid to come out of his shell (both literally and figuratively). Now, all I can do is laugh! Freshman Hayden is long gone and College Hayden is kicking some serious ass! Hearing about your life has made me giddy, excited, pissed, and has made me wish that I was a better fucking friend. I have been struggling with my friendships here in NC, because I have been gone for a long time. I am realizing that 's no excuse. Just so you know, I will always be here for you.
Please don't ever apologize for being a human being. Human beings screw up, become distant, want to scream, want things they can't have, fail to realize what they do have, and lose sight of who they are. Don't worry about missing my birthday, don't worry about the Skype dates, just don't worry. We will get to together, and when we do we WILL pick up where we left off. To be honest, we have a type of friendship that can survive without having to constantly text each other, "like" each other's Facebook posts, and Skype every other day. We have a true friendship.
To answer the third part of your letter: I am not doing as well as I hoped. I had a great first semester (the first couple of weeks were very rough, but I got through them). Leaving home was one of the best decisions, because I learned how to deal with my own problems without assistance from anyone, but I still missed having a strong support system. I have some friends and slowly some of them are becoming close friends, but that doesn't happen overnight and it requires work. I have a hard time realizing that, but I am learning. College is about learning. So, my first semester was great, because I was very busy with finding my way in the Drama Department and socializing like crazy! My second semester was not. I got a job, while the majority of my friends were rushing for sororities. I wasn't eating with many people, talking to many people, talking with my roommate and I was overall very unhappy with myself. I was having panic attacks, which were affecting me physically and mentally. My anxiety (which I have had since a little girl) was worsening and I had no one. I was talking to my mom constantly, my dad, Skyping my brother, and realizing that I needed to find a support system. I needed help. I went to a therapist and she was great. She told me I needed friends to talk to. My mom agreed. I have always had a really hard time opening up to people, fearing judgement and ridicule. I blame Weaver for that and the fact that I am--and I quote-- "afraid of my own shadow". Luckily, one of my really good friends on my floor noticed that I wasn't the same "Ashley". She took me to dinner and I told her my issues and how I was feeling. I found out she was going through the same thing. Believe it or not, she told me that I could talk to her about anything. I was relieved, but really mad at myself...I really needed to start to open my eyes. I thought I had no one, but that was far from not true. So, I don't want to continue, because I want to try and focus on some more positive elements of my life.
So, on a positive note, I have finally decided what I want to do with my life. I really want to write and produce for TV/film. Everyone has been telling me that I have a real knack for writing. I just didn't realize it until college. I love to write, specifically comedy. So, this summer I have been watching every single comedic TV show, film, and book I lay my eyes on. I also have been trying to write in a journal, as well construct some monologues and scenes. I am hoping to intern for Second City, FOX, or NBC next summer. Dreaming big! ;) I'd love for you to read some of my stuff, because you won't tell me its good, unless it's good. One of the many reasons why I enjoy our friendship and why I've always liked your input. Anyway, I am trying to focus on what makes me happy, but I am also using my unhappiness as an aid to writing. All of the great writers, write from experience, right? Oh, and Deacon is doing really well. He is getting old, but he is still as playful and loving as ever! I am spending the majority of my summer nannying my sister, Anna. I am really happy that I can spend time with her, because she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She is so happy, sassy, funny, and we are going to have a great time!
Now for your positives, mister! WOW! I cannot believe how much growth you have experienced this year. I am happy college is working in your favor, because you deserve it. You have always been smart, capable, and willing. I sound like such a mother, but it's true! Oh and your GPA is higher than mine, so feel free to rub that in as much as you want! ;) Not kidding! I am happy that you have a strong support system close by. Taylor is a "once-in-a-lifetime" friend and I am so happy she's been there. Please call me. I really would like to see you soon. I need a good cry session with you, my friend. We can cry, eat food, laugh, talk, and most importantly listen to each other vent about our lives.
Thank you for being such a beautiful human being. I love you. I miss you.
Your friend,
Ashley
Dear Hayden,
I love you so much. I am currently under a new birth control so my hormones are really out of whack and I may start to sob while writing this... I also just finished watching SYTYCD and that always makes me cry (with or without raging hormones). So... please bare with me. First off, thank you for being honest with me. I know school is hard as hell and you are busting your ass off. I am so proud of you Hayden. I remember freshman Hayden. Do you remember him? He had bleached-blond hair and wore his "signature" DIY-peace sign key-chain necklace. He never did his Biology homework. He also was afraid to come out of his shell (both literally and figuratively). Now, all I can do is laugh! Freshman Hayden is long gone and College Hayden is kicking some serious ass! Hearing about your life has made me giddy, excited, pissed, and has made me wish that I was a better fucking friend. I have been struggling with my friendships here in NC, because I have been gone for a long time. I am realizing that 's no excuse. Just so you know, I will always be here for you.
Please don't ever apologize for being a human being. Human beings screw up, become distant, want to scream, want things they can't have, fail to realize what they do have, and lose sight of who they are. Don't worry about missing my birthday, don't worry about the Skype dates, just don't worry. We will get to together, and when we do we WILL pick up where we left off. To be honest, we have a type of friendship that can survive without having to constantly text each other, "like" each other's Facebook posts, and Skype every other day. We have a true friendship.
To answer the third part of your letter: I am not doing as well as I hoped. I had a great first semester (the first couple of weeks were very rough, but I got through them). Leaving home was one of the best decisions, because I learned how to deal with my own problems without assistance from anyone, but I still missed having a strong support system. I have some friends and slowly some of them are becoming close friends, but that doesn't happen overnight and it requires work. I have a hard time realizing that, but I am learning. College is about learning. So, my first semester was great, because I was very busy with finding my way in the Drama Department and socializing like crazy! My second semester was not. I got a job, while the majority of my friends were rushing for sororities. I wasn't eating with many people, talking to many people, talking with my roommate and I was overall very unhappy with myself. I was having panic attacks, which were affecting me physically and mentally. My anxiety (which I have had since a little girl) was worsening and I had no one. I was talking to my mom constantly, my dad, Skyping my brother, and realizing that I needed to find a support system. I needed help. I went to a therapist and she was great. She told me I needed friends to talk to. My mom agreed. I have always had a really hard time opening up to people, fearing judgement and ridicule. I blame Weaver for that and the fact that I am--and I quote-- "afraid of my own shadow". Luckily, one of my really good friends on my floor noticed that I wasn't the same "Ashley". She took me to dinner and I told her my issues and how I was feeling. I found out she was going through the same thing. Believe it or not, she told me that I could talk to her about anything. I was relieved, but really mad at myself...I really needed to start to open my eyes. I thought I had no one, but that was far from not true. So, I don't want to continue, because I want to try and focus on some more positive elements of my life.
So, on a positive note, I have finally decided what I want to do with my life. I really want to write and produce for TV/film. Everyone has been telling me that I have a real knack for writing. I just didn't realize it until college. I love to write, specifically comedy. So, this summer I have been watching every single comedic TV show, film, and book I lay my eyes on. I also have been trying to write in a journal, as well construct some monologues and scenes. I am hoping to intern for Second City, FOX, or NBC next summer. Dreaming big! ;) I'd love for you to read some of my stuff, because you won't tell me its good, unless it's good. One of the many reasons why I enjoy our friendship and why I've always liked your input. Anyway, I am trying to focus on what makes me happy, but I am also using my unhappiness as an aid to writing. All of the great writers, write from experience, right? Oh, and Deacon is doing really well. He is getting old, but he is still as playful and loving as ever! I am spending the majority of my summer nannying my sister, Anna. I am really happy that I can spend time with her, because she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She is so happy, sassy, funny, and we are going to have a great time!
Now for your positives, mister! WOW! I cannot believe how much growth you have experienced this year. I am happy college is working in your favor, because you deserve it. You have always been smart, capable, and willing. I sound like such a mother, but it's true! Oh and your GPA is higher than mine, so feel free to rub that in as much as you want! ;) Not kidding! I am happy that you have a strong support system close by. Taylor is a "once-in-a-lifetime" friend and I am so happy she's been there. Please call me. I really would like to see you soon. I need a good cry session with you, my friend. We can cry, eat food, laugh, talk, and most importantly listen to each other vent about our lives.
Thank you for being such a beautiful human being. I love you. I miss you.
Your friend,
Ashley
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Live from Saturday Night...
It's a new blog post from the one and only, Ashley. You see, friends from the interwebz, I tried this whole blog thing two years ago--failed miserably at it, hence the lack of postage. Mainly, I was running out of interesting things to say about my life and junior year of high school was a really stressful year for me. Now that I think of it junior year is a stressful year for everyone. Though it has been two years since my last post on this blogging website I have been blogging on my Tumblr, a lot. I love Tumblr, because it allows me to live vicariously through photos of food I will never eat, shoes I will probably never wear, and people that I will probably never meet. I am trying to put an emphasis on the probably, because I'd like to think that one day I may run into Tina Fey at Wendy's or something. I mean it could happen, right?
So, I have decided to take another whack at that this whole blogging on Blogspot ordeal. I am going to try and blog as much as I can. But, before I can jump into everything I probably should talk (or in this case write) a little bit about myself. My name is Ashley or Mary Ashley, you can call me which ever. I am a 19 year old college student currently studying Drama at Syracuse University! GO CUSE! I am enduring the treacherous Syracuse, New York (sometimes known as Siberacuse), but I am Southern born and bred. North Carolina is my home, away from home and it is one of the most beautiful places in the whole entire Southeast. Not that I am biased or anything, I just really think it's really pretty and there aren't many states that have mountains, flat land, AND beaches. Now you are probably wondering, "Why the hell are you in Syracuse, NY when you are from North Carolina, home of Cheerwine, and Biscuitville?" If you seriously don't know what those two awesome things are I suggest you look them up. I am not trying to sound like your father, but it's important that you educate and diversify yourself. Anyways, Syracuse happens to be one of the best schools for communications AND theatre. It also happens to be a snow globe, but I'll explain more about that later. So, in other words I sacrificed sweet tea AND sunshine for an excellent education. When I am not writing a play analysis or tuning out musical theatre majors, I enjoy re-watching The Office, quoting The Office, listening to movie soundtrack playlists on 8tracks, laughing at my own jokes, and making to-do lists. I tend to be a little delusion (this comes from early exposure to Nora Ephron films and the Gossip Girl book series). I am also a wee bit irish and sarcastic. I have high hopes for myself and I can fully admit that I am a hopeless (delusion) romantic who is 98% sure that she was born in the wrong time period.
Now that you have a little taste of me you can really see what I bring to the table. Interesting and groundbreaking stuff, right? I'd like to think I am a semi-interesting individual. So, for the future, expect more interesting and groundbreaking stuff that pertains to my life. My main goal for this blog is
to just let myself go and be me! I have always been a fan of letting go and if that means blogging then why not! So, follow along as I blog about my final weeks as a college freshman and how I am surviving snow in March. This should be fun for the both of us! I promise.
So, I have decided to take another whack at that this whole blogging on Blogspot ordeal. I am going to try and blog as much as I can. But, before I can jump into everything I probably should talk (or in this case write) a little bit about myself. My name is Ashley or Mary Ashley, you can call me which ever. I am a 19 year old college student currently studying Drama at Syracuse University! GO CUSE! I am enduring the treacherous Syracuse, New York (sometimes known as Siberacuse), but I am Southern born and bred. North Carolina is my home, away from home and it is one of the most beautiful places in the whole entire Southeast. Not that I am biased or anything, I just really think it's really pretty and there aren't many states that have mountains, flat land, AND beaches. Now you are probably wondering, "Why the hell are you in Syracuse, NY when you are from North Carolina, home of Cheerwine, and Biscuitville?" If you seriously don't know what those two awesome things are I suggest you look them up. I am not trying to sound like your father, but it's important that you educate and diversify yourself. Anyways, Syracuse happens to be one of the best schools for communications AND theatre. It also happens to be a snow globe, but I'll explain more about that later. So, in other words I sacrificed sweet tea AND sunshine for an excellent education. When I am not writing a play analysis or tuning out musical theatre majors, I enjoy re-watching The Office, quoting The Office, listening to movie soundtrack playlists on 8tracks, laughing at my own jokes, and making to-do lists. I tend to be a little delusion (this comes from early exposure to Nora Ephron films and the Gossip Girl book series). I am also a wee bit irish and sarcastic. I have high hopes for myself and I can fully admit that I am a hopeless (delusion) romantic who is 98% sure that she was born in the wrong time period.
Now that you have a little taste of me you can really see what I bring to the table. Interesting and groundbreaking stuff, right? I'd like to think I am a semi-interesting individual. So, for the future, expect more interesting and groundbreaking stuff that pertains to my life. My main goal for this blog is
to just let myself go and be me! I have always been a fan of letting go and if that means blogging then why not! So, follow along as I blog about my final weeks as a college freshman and how I am surviving snow in March. This should be fun for the both of us! I promise.
Proof that the groundhog lied and 'cuse weather is SO fun:
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