RE: connecting (Get it?)

Dear Hayden,

I am glad I finally Facebooked you. I needed to hear about what was really going on with you... 

When I am bored (which is often), I spend a lot of my time on the internet. I would say that 75% of my time is spent on Tumblr. One afternoon I was scrolling away and I came across this quote: "The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."  

You are probably wondering "Okay, Ashley. But how is this relevant..." I'm getting there, I promise! 

In order to really get there I have to start by responding to what you said... I don't know why I like to do this, but I guess it's just the mom in me? Here it goes: 

Why would you call all of the accolades you listed meaningless? They aren't. You worked hard to be inducted into the presidential honors society. You probably had to jump through hurdles to get that RA position. Embrace that! Also, is AX a frat? I understand you discontinued your membership, but doesn't mean you need to discontinue it on you resume. Also, it's never too late to get back into the groove of things... At least that's what I am learning. 

That summer  that you described sounded MISERABLE. The director/general manager died. That's so fucking scary. I hope it made some of the people that were assholes to you realize that life is way to short to be an asshole. 

Unfortunately, depression doesn't go away! You have to learn to cope with it. The only person that can really help you is yourself. It's scary to realize this and a lot of people--especially fucking theatre people--could care less. 

I'm happy you were able to spend some time with your Dad! It's honestly really ballsy of you to demand a return ticket back. Are you entitled to it? Of course... After all, he promised to give you that! Bertie sounds like a character. If she was able to lift your spirits, you should consider contacting her more often! 

It's great that you are realizing that the only person that can really make you happy is yourself. After you hit "rock bottom" the only way out is up. It sounds cheesy, but it's the truth! 

Also, in regards to your school. You live in a bubble. Once, you have graduated you have the ability to pop that bubble or maintain it. It sounds like you wanna pop it. I don't blame you. Also, who wants to peak in college? I heard that 30 is the new 20 anyways. 

Where is this photography? I'd like to see it... 

Now, begins my portion of the letter. The part where I catch you up on all things "Ashley". 

The last time I wrote to you I was going through a really rough time... I wish I could say it got better, but it didn't. That summer I nannied my sister, Anna. That was a blast! I was able to take her to free movies at The Grande and finger paint the day away... The problem was I grew very close with her. Summer ended and my parents drove me back to school. I was moving back a week early, because I had work orientation. I didn't know my roommate (my roommate originally decided that she wanted to apply to be an RA and ended up getting the position so I had to find a fast replacement...). I was really unsure about the whole year in general. 

 As soon as my parents dropped me off I panicked. I felt so so sad and lonely.  I was obsessing over suicide and thinking really unhappy thoughts. Was I planning on acting upon these thoughts? Of course not. But, I was just obsessing and panicking. I was really lonely.  I finally decided that I needed to talk to someone. Syracuse has an awesome counseling center, with  awesome therapists that are on call 24/7. I called. They asked me to come right to them! That's when I met Susan. She was honest with me. She told me that I needed to help myself and talk about how I was feeling. Long story short, I started taking the generic version of Prozac. I am still taking it now! It helps with my anxiety and my depression. 

I realized that I wasn't alone in this. I just needed to find the right people to share my struggles with.  I had issues finding my core group of friends freshman year. I realized that sophomore year would be my time to find my friends. My real friends. Not friends that you occasionally eat dinner with or chat with in the hallways. Friends that will help you pack. Friends that will drive you to the airport at 5 am. Friends that will kidnap you on your birthday and watch "Emperors New Groove" on their dorm room bed.  It didn't happen right away. It took the first semester and then I finally was starting to find people that I could be myself around. 

I don't want to continue talking about sophomore year, because it was really rough. But, it was also an excellent time for me to learn! I learned so much about myself and the type of person I am. I also was much kinder to myself and others. I became a better listener. I was starting to really get "it".

So I got really really sad writing up to this point.. I don't really know why to be honest. I think it largely has do to with the fact that I am "dwelling" on the past. I was in a slump for quite a long time (not to the same extent as yours), but I couldn't really get out of that slump and to be honest I still don't know if I am out of it... But, let's fast forward to the summer of my sophomore year... 

My summer of sophomore year was pretty uneventful. I applied for a study abroad program for the fall of my junior year so I spent most of my summer working two jobs and day-dreaming. We'll get to the abroad shenanigans in a few.  My first job was working as a hostess/busser for Green Valley Grill. I worked harder than most of the other dumb biddies who called themselves "hostesses" and gained the respect of a lot of the waiters. Believe it or not waiters play favorites. I loved the attention, but I hated the fact that they didn't give me enough mother flipping hours. I worked hard, but the thing that I learned was that corporations would rather hire tons and tons of staff so they don't have to pay them that much. I got a second job working as a catering labor at the PGA tour. It was a weeks worth of labor and I received more in that weeks worth than I did working for GVG in a month. Corporations are the devil, Hayden. As the summer was coming to an end, I was gearing up to travel to London for four months of study. My parents were totally against the idea. I have come to realize, with age, that when my parents are totally against something they don't support me. At all. They would much rather me do what they want me to do. It sucks. Not that I should be throwing myself a pity party, but my parents have always "seemed" like they were on my side, but the farther I get from them, the more I realize they want to control me. They want me to do what they think is right. I think the scariest part of all of this is they deny it. They deny it... 

So, September rolled on and I raised a substantial amount of money. The rule was my parents paid for my schooling. I paid for everything else. London was so fantastic, but also outrageously expensive. I was very frugal with my spending. I spent around 20 pounds a week on everything. That's around 35 US dollars. I took a really awesome photography class that made me look at everything a lot differently. I was far more observant then ever. I took a lot of walks. I spent a lot of time with my camera. I also spent a lot of time exploring the city of London. I took part in "Cookery Club", hosted by my photography teacher. I learned how to make a mean curry. Once fall break rolled around I was able to go to Paris and Ireland and pay for everything by myself. It was really liberating to pay for a trip by myself. I ran into some speed bumpers here and there, but isn't that what life is about? Exploring the world was a really great experience. I was completely independent. I learned how to fend for myself and I even learned how to handle situations that I probably could have never tackled three years ago. For instance, for Thanksgiving I visited my cousin, Tracey, in France (my dad paid for the trip, because he wanted me to be with family). On the second day I was in France I decided to take a trip to Versailles. I had no idea what I was doing and I accidentally took the wrong train. I spent about four hours trying to get to Versailles and after having a nervous breakdown in the middle of nowhere in the countryside, I realized I needed to grow the fuck up and figure it out. I managed to find my way... I spent the whole day in Versailles, alone. It was wonderful. I listened to my iPhone and explored the gardens. I ran into a lovely gay couple and showed them where to go. I met a cat. It was a wonderful day. Better yet, it was probably my favorite day while broad. So, that's what I mean. I learned how to be alone. 

Oh... I also had a lot of fun gaining weight from all the food I ate! I am being serious. I loved every minute of it. Come to think of it, I loved every minute of everything about being abroad. Despite how expensive it was, I managed. I managed without a job. I managed without my mom. I crushed it. One day, I hope to move back to England. It's a lovely place to raise kids... But for now I am going to focus on finishing this blog post. 

It was absolutely miserable returning to Syracuse after being abroad. Not only was the weather HORRIBLE, but I was very broke. I also decided to take some time off from working and try to assistant direct the spring musical, Avenue Q. I decided all of this before I returned from being abroad. It was a really silly idea on my part. For starters, I knew/know nothing about directing. Sorry, Taylor, but your directing class was bullshit. Also, the director ended up being pretty much an asshole to me. I shared the assistant director position with a pretty awesome guy, Liam. He was very eager and very very good at playing the role of director. Better yet, he was better than the actual director. I learned more from Liam then I did from anyone else. I don't regret working on the show. I learned a new skill: puppetry. I also learned what not to do when you are directing. But, I could have been spending my time working. I could have been spending my time losing weight... Instead I was sitting and observing and drinking too much Pepsi. Besides my assistant director role, I also worked in my first "real" internship. I worked in the marketing office at Syracuse Stage (the professional theatre that shares it's complex with SU Drama). I started a YouTube page for SU Drama. With that came a lot of sleepless nights, sweat, and countless tears. I wasn't alone though. I got help from one of my friends I met abroad. She's the coolest. She managed to make all of the videos with me. She dealt with a lot of the bullshit with me. We helped one another. I realized what it was like to be an actual good friend. She went through a really rough semester, but I helped her through it. Same with some of my other friends. Anyway, she graduated and is now living in New York working for Business Insider. She claims that I was the one her helped her get the job, because she's now working in the video department, creating content for their website. Sigh. I guess I may have helped... a little. 

 Now you are probably wondering what I am up to? Well, I'll tell you. I am currently sitting in a Barnes and Nobles Starbucks in Stamford, CT. I am living with my grandmother. She's kind of a rockstar. She's 76 and still working a 9-5 job. Anyway, when I am not basking in my grandmother's awesomeness I am commuting into the city three days a week, interning for a kick ass talent management agency. When I am not busy reading scripts, running to get coffee, and answering phones, I am working two jobs. The first job is working at a snack bar and the second job is working as a polisher at a fine ass restaurant. I polished David Letterman's glasses last week. Of course, I didn't get to meet him, but I really feel like I have a nice conversation starter once we cross paths one day. There's the day dreaming again... 

My internship is really awesome! I am learning about the do's and don'ts of the industry. I have a notebook that I bring each day I am at the office and I fill it with everything I observe or hear in the office. You'd be so appalled to know how some actors and agents act.  Oh, I almost forgot! I think I want to be a talent manager. Incase you didn't know, a manager is in charge of fostering an actor's career. They are almost like their mom--expect they get a cut of your pay.  I have always been a cheerleader for my actor friends and I think it's a pretty cool career path. So that's where I am at right now. 

I am learning to be independent, learning everything that I need to know about the industry, and I am walking everywhere! 

So, that's all for now... Before I go though, I want to say that not everything you see on Instagram or Facebook is an accurate portrayal of what's going on in my life. Am I happy? Not sure. But, I do know that I am struggling. I am struggling AND I'm insecure. I am struggling with learning how to budget, and most of all, I am struggling on how to grow up. But, that's the cool thing about adulthood. You have to experience the struggles and the failures in order to appreciate the successes and grand opportunities. My dad says I need to stop living in a fantasy world, but the truth is I don't. I am going to continue to living in this "fantasy" world, but along the way I am going to fuck up. Is it going to be bad? I don't know. But, I hope I can take you on this wonderful journey with me... Because, it's time we get rid of the silly taboos of not talking about how we are REALLY feeling. It's time was show people that life isn't all sunshine and rainbows with Instagram filters. 

I really think we are onto something here. Put THAT in my highlighted reel.